Overwhelming Acres

Being the grown-up

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 14:48:27 +0200

Sorry I havent been around for a while but I've been shovelling sh*t mainly. I keep expecting someone who owns this vast (to me) piece of land to turn up and tell me how to do things properly. The farm hasnt actually disappeared into a chasm because I used the wrong implement to spragle the diddlins in Middle Bottom Paddock - so far so good!
Fencing Bloke came for a glorious week of work, did all the easy bits, got some money off me and in the traditional manner of manual labourers everywhere, has b*ggered off. This got me wondering if all workmen are Gypsy Violinists in the evening and always assume people are paying them to go away....
We have a Wine Bar in Smalltown now!!!!! Went with Lovely Livery last week it was all brown inside kinda 'Soho Chic' I was the second youngest person in the place (1st was LL) we chatted to the owners who said they moved here from London and one day asked themselves "Why isnt there a Wine Bar in Smalltown?" and so opened one up
"Haha good on you" we said to their faces, then-
"OMG they never actually researched the answer to that question did they?!" when they left. The place was empty by 10pm, all the Golf Club had gone home for cocoa. I give it 6 months tops.
We will be getting goats soon, and weirdly my husband has said he may need to stay up in town a bit more.....at least its different a kind of poo eh?

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Meet the New Girls!

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 11:39:44 +0200

I wish someone had told me years ago what incredible comedy value chickens are. From the cluck-cluck comments to the locomotive style which can only be described as an elderly matron whose knicker elastic has broken running for the last bus, they keep us amused all day long. And they lay eggs!

They all have names out of Bohemian Rhapsody- Magnifico, Fandango,and Beelzebub (room for more,see?) and live in one of these
http://www.omlet.co.uk/products_services/products_services.php?view=Chickens

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Get Me out of this Ark -Please!

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 13:00:14 +0100

Ye Gods I had the worst night's sleep since my boys were babies. Here's how it went-
Husband away on business, no prob I am all grown up and capable (dont laugh).

8.00+ -Yard Cat and Sofa Cat spend all evening fighting in and out of the catflap, sounds like someone yodelling at high speed in a revolving door. I am having to physically restrain dogs from getting involved.

10.30-Go to bedroom with bristling dogs.

At 12.30- woken by clattering from kitchen, go down to confront burglar with wildly barking dogs in tow. In kitchen saucepans are all over floor and Sofa Cat is on worktop looking embarassed. Yard Cat is glowering from the Bean Bag of Power on top of the kitchen cupboard.

Go back to bed muttering evilly.

2.30-woken by Dog Lips(husky x) who appears to be having a dream about singing opera on a treadmill. Throw pillow at her and go back to sleep.

3.15- foxes outside having a party. Bastards.

4.45- Hot Lips (staffx)jumps on bed trembling and quaking, she is rigid with terror.I tell her to either cuddle up and go to sleep or bugger off, she shakes and sticks her nose in my face for a merry hour.

5.45- dogs have random fit of barking which catapults me out of bed. Check for intruders and go back to bed with the words 'Battersea Dogs Home' forming on my lips.

6.00- birds start tweeting. How I hate them.

6.30- sun lances into bedroom as I have no curtains yet and we face east. Hide under duvet from Speilberg-like light.

6.40- give up and get up. Notice ponies have brought down a rail to neighbours field. Wearily pull on boots.

I'M A TOWNIE GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

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Just a story....about the unkindness of strangers

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 15:07:01 +0100

This has nothing to do with my reconstructed bumpkin status but I read here someone's story of buying a meal for two homeless types that everyone was recoiling from (apologies to whoever it was here it is a great story) and it reminded me of something that happened just before I left London.

I was in the main Post Office addressing some envelopes etc at the side counter and became aware of a kerfuffle by the door, paid it no mind and attempted to join the queue for cashiers. But there was something going on, a huge gap in the queue had formed with a scrum of people jostling at the far end of it. Then I noticed a smell....
Two tramp women had come into the Post Office, joined the queue in an orderly way and were politely waiting their turn. The younger woman had hair hanging down her back in a single mat and was wearing unspeakably filthy clothes. She had white high heels on which were turning over and looked 2 sizes too small. She was with a very old lady, equally filthy and poorly dressed, life and age had bent her double so she resembled the letter C, peering up with her chin on her chest. The younger woman was helping her along with great patience and kindness, talking to her gently. These women stank, it was like walking into a wall when it hit you,I have never ever smelt anything like it in my life.
And the point of this story?
I had my breath taken away once by the two women but a second deeper time by the behaviour of the adults all around me. They gasped, flapped their hands in front of their faces, held their noses for God's sake, it was like being in a nursery class when someone farts. The staff behind the counter joined in, then remarks ("Jesus what a stink", "Why don't those cows have a wash?","I'm going to be sick") started which got louder and louder as if these unfortunate women were deaf or retarded instead of destitute.
I have never been so horrified by the behaviour of my fellow man in my life. I wasnt exactly enjoying the aroma and I'm pretty sure my nose is as sensitive as the next person but acting like a child sure wasnt going to make any difference to the smell and was causing these women great offence.
Just when I thought I couldnt be any more appauled, a member of staff came out from behind the counter and sprayed the old lady with air freshener, and the mob laughed. They did their business at a counter (the cashiers fought not to be the one to serve them) and left.
I got to the counter furious and almost tearful. The post office clerk shook her head, blew her cheeks out and said "That was bloody disgusting wasnt it?"
"Yes," I said " it really was."

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Oh I'm going straight to hell...

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 10:49:45 +0100

Lady came looking for livery the other day, frankly after a while she started p*ssing me off, mainly because she brought her giant slavering hound onto my yard totally uninvited, then let it off the lead. After 15 mins of her drivelling on about 'things were different in her day' she asked me if there were any 'funny rules' at my yard. "Yes" I deadpanned, "on fridays we have Naked Day".
She drove off at high speed and hasn't called back.

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Back to the Smoke today!!!!!!!!!

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 12:40:10 +0100

A quick note- I am off to London later on the train to see The Tempest at the Novello with sister-in-law. Will inhale as much culture and pollution as possible. It has stopped raining so I must away and make the most of it.

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Where the hell have I been?

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 17:17:03 +0100

Nowhere exciting -loads of visitors (city folk mocking our lack of continental bakeries mainly)one friend had to be given strong drink to put paid to her hysteria at the 3ft drop from the repulsive patio doors to the 'sun room'(dont retch).This house is such a lemon, all additions since 16thC designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson.
It hasnt stopped raining since the snow melted, paddocks like the Somme and the rain leaks in through most of the walls, if the TV gets boring we watch the damp rise and throw bread to the trout in the skirting board (the mice all drowned).
A chance conversation at a local horsey shop has brought me 2 young ladies and their 5 neds on livery, should be a laugh and I'm sure good for me to have folk in and out of the place so I dont go weird (see previous posting)have bought champagne and cake to share.

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Don't Mock My Smock

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 18:40:58 +0100

Another day another pile of poo... as I trudged up the field with a brimming wheelbarrow it occurred to me how much the damn stuff weighs it also occurred to me that two creatures originally bred as beasts of burden where watching my toil with distracted amusement munching hay. Surely something wrong with this picture.
Felled Leylandii finally out of the mare's paddock, we are saving up for a woodchipper I look forward to watching their repulsive branches being slowly devoured :> can anyone think of a good reason to grow these bastards?
Went bazzing round the cross-country course with Elder Son. Very therapeutic.

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Blimey!

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 10:45:38 +0100

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Brrr!

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 18:12:44 +0100

Sung to the tune of 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt-
"It's bloody cold
It's bloody cold
It's bloody cold
Out here..."

Yeesh! It was fweezing today but the neds weren't bothered at all however it was definitely Hat Weather for me. Poo-picked the field in subzero temperatures how heroic am I . Defintitely need to start making a few friends in the town as I may be starting to go a bit weird- went to get the post out of the postbox naked just for a laugh Tescoman delivered today so that could have been quite awkward.
Lots of friends coming to stay at weekends half term etc but def need a few local contacts, one lady met on bridleway coming over friday which should be nice, hope I'm not talking to the water butt by then..
Nice shopping trip into Smallville today, as usual everyone chatty happy and helpful I think they may be robots have made it a mission to find someone surly and sour.

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title-1601612

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 18:38:56 +0100

Today we had an Easterly wind straight up the valley and into every gap in my clothing. Horses were toasty under their rugs and I am particularly pleased with Bad Boy's bargain from Tesco (!)he and Dafydd very pleased to come in and have some grub and naps in their stables. Played with them in the school for a bit then back to the everest of ironing.
Yard Cat appeared in the kitchen last night sitting in House Cat's fave spot looking quite smug. House Cat somehow felt that crapping on the Vile Bathroom carpet was a suitable response. My feelings were vented by much :XX" class="middle" border="0"> as I picked cat poo out of the shag pile then ejected her from the house. Sometimes I feel all I do is deal with animal leakage and excretion, soon I swear the horses will come and relieve themselves in the sitting room. When we get the money to do up the Elizabethan Hovel there will be no carpet anywhere in fact all the rooms will flush.

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I'm knackered! Pioneering the Farm Workout

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 21:27:14 +0100

Seriously havent felt this since I gave up being an aerobics teacher. Jeans noticably looser today if the livery business goes tits up I may open up as a a fat farm. OH fell asleep on sofa at 5pm he has been fixing fences and gates and other manly stuff all day- we really should have done this 10 years ago, the onset of middle age is an incredibly dumb time to take on a project like this. Wine tasting and competitive baking at a push, 40 rambling acres to maintain just asking for lumbago, shattered knees and unscheduled senile napping.
Elder Son has flabbergasted us all by metamorphosising into some kind of born-again farmboy driving the tractor levelling sandschool splitting logs and this morning even got up at 7 to get cracking on bringing the firewood up from the barn. Weird.
It didnt rain the whole weekend *punches air*
I'm off to fall asleep in an unattractive fashion in front of the telly.

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Starting from today..

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 12:19:03 +0100

Ok its been nearly a month since we upped and moved from scuzzy but hip Sarf Landen to an Elizabethan hovel in Surrey.....I know I should have started this earlier but hell I've been busy!
We moved on winter solstice, yup darkest day of the year and a day that was graced with freezing winter fog that had brought Heathrow to a standstill. I had a virus- a forehead you could have boiled a kettle on (if you could have found it)and stood in the coutryard directing the Muppet Show as the removers stood with a box marked 'KITCHEN-FARMHOUSE' and asked me "Where does this go luv?" I just wanted to go to bed and cry with enough ibuprofen to bring down an elephant but instead had 90 cardboard boxes 1 leaking Farmhouse 1 cottage full of our crap 2 puzzled dogs 1 baffled cat 2 chilly snakes and 2 very brave sons.
We did Xmas with the rellies then on with the reality of life in t'country. It has rained pretty much non-stop since we got here and thing reached a nadir two days ago as I cleared stable gutterings in a biblical downpour with an old broomstick perched on a rickety ladder. To be fair Yard Cat helped by yowling at me from his cosy perch in the hay which felt like criticism at the time or maybe the bugger was laughing.....
A strange phenomenon here in Smalltown, you cant engage in ANY transaction without having at least a 20min conversation. Now as a Londoner born and bred I'm used to the 'quick quick chop chop I'm outta here' school of retail but OH was practically held to ransom when he bought a chainsaw in some kind of macho tool (hehe) shop the other day, some chap asked if he wanted to go for a coffee blimey in the Smoke he'd have got a smack in the mouth. OH had to give him his phone no to get out of the shop which is the source of much merriment (mainly mine).
Chainsaws are fun especially when they KILL LEYLANDII which is our new top weekend sport, along with Getting th Tractor Stuck which gives our next door neighbour much amusement.
The horses arrived monday and seem to be a bit confused as to why it is just the two of them but are getting on with it. I can see them from the window of the Minging Mahogany Bedroom every morning or would do except some sinister moron has planted a huge palm tree in the way KILL KILL. They wait by the gate and come up for food and sleep aww bless.
Gotta go.

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