Overwhelming Acres

Ye Gods I had the worst night's sleep since my boys were babies. Here's how it went-
Husband away on business, no prob I am all grown up and capable (dont laugh).

8.00+ -Yard Cat and Sofa Cat spend all evening fighting in and out of the catflap, sounds like someone yodelling at high speed in a revolving door. I am having to physically restrain dogs from getting involved.

10.30-Go to bedroom with bristling dogs.

At 12.30- woken by clattering from kitchen, go down to confront burglar with wildly barking dogs in tow. In kitchen saucepans are all over floor and Sofa Cat is on worktop looking embarassed. Yard Cat is glowering from the Bean Bag of Power on top of the kitchen cupboard.

Go back to bed muttering evilly.

2.30-woken by Dog Lips(husky x) who appears to be having a dream about singing opera on a treadmill. Throw pillow at her and go back to sleep.

3.15- foxes outside having a party. Bastards.

4.45- Hot Lips (staffx)jumps on bed trembling and quaking, she is rigid with terror.I tell her to either cuddle up and go to sleep or bugger off, she shakes and sticks her nose in my face for a merry hour.

5.45- dogs have random fit of barking which catapults me out of bed. Check for intruders and go back to bed with the words 'Battersea Dogs Home' forming on my lips.

6.00- birds start tweeting. How I hate them.

6.30- sun lances into bedroom as I have no curtains yet and we face east. Hide under duvet from Speilberg-like light.

6.40- give up and get up. Notice ponies have brought down a rail to neighbours field. Wearily pull on boots.

I'M A TOWNIE GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

This has nothing to do with my reconstructed bumpkin status but I read here someone's story of buying a meal for two homeless types that everyone was recoiling from (apologies to whoever it was here it is a great story) and it reminded me of something that happened just before I left London.

I was in the main Post Office addressing some envelopes etc at the side counter and became aware of a kerfuffle by the door, paid it no mind and attempted to join the queue for cashiers. But there was something going on, a huge gap in the queue had formed with a scrum of people jostling at the far end of it. Then I noticed a smell....
Two tramp women had come into the Post Office, joined the queue in an orderly way and were politely waiting their turn. The younger woman had hair hanging down her back in a single mat and was wearing unspeakably filthy clothes. She had white high heels on which were turning over and looked 2 sizes too small. She was with a very old lady, equally filthy and poorly dressed, life and age had bent her double so she resembled the letter C, peering up with her chin on her chest. The younger woman was helping her along with great patience and kindness, talking to her gently. These women stank, it was like walking into a wall when it hit you,I have never ever smelt anything like it in my life.
And the point of this story?
I had my breath taken away once by the two women but a second deeper time by the behaviour of the adults all around me. They gasped, flapped their hands in front of their faces, held their noses for God's sake, it was like being in a nursery class when someone farts. The staff behind the counter joined in, then remarks ("Jesus what a stink", "Why don't those cows have a wash?","I'm going to be sick") started which got louder and louder as if these unfortunate women were deaf or retarded instead of destitute.
I have never been so horrified by the behaviour of my fellow man in my life. I wasnt exactly enjoying the aroma and I'm pretty sure my nose is as sensitive as the next person but acting like a child sure wasnt going to make any difference to the smell and was causing these women great offence.
Just when I thought I couldnt be any more appauled, a member of staff came out from behind the counter and sprayed the old lady with air freshener, and the mob laughed. They did their business at a counter (the cashiers fought not to be the one to serve them) and left.
I got to the counter furious and almost tearful. The post office clerk shook her head, blew her cheeks out and said "That was bloody disgusting wasnt it?"
"Yes," I said " it really was."

Lady came looking for livery the other day, frankly after a while she started p*ssing me off, mainly because she brought her giant slavering hound onto my yard totally uninvited, then let it off the lead. After 15 mins of her drivelling on about 'things were different in her day' she asked me if there were any 'funny rules' at my yard. "Yes" I deadpanned, "on fridays we have Naked Day".
She drove off at high speed and hasn't called back.

A quick note- I am off to London later on the train to see The Tempest at the Novello with sister-in-law. Will inhale as much culture and pollution as possible. It has stopped raining so I must away and make the most of it.