Sorry I havent been around for a while but I've been shovelling sh*t mainly. I keep expecting someone who owns this vast (to me) piece of land to turn up and tell me how to do things properly. The farm hasnt actually disappeared into a chasm because I used the wrong implement to spragle the diddlins in Middle Bottom Paddock - so far so good!
Fencing Bloke came for a glorious week of work, did all the easy bits, got some money off me and in the traditional manner of manual labourers everywhere, has b*ggered off. This got me wondering if all workmen are Gypsy Violinists in the evening and always assume people are paying them to go away....
We have a Wine Bar in Smalltown now!!!!! Went with Lovely Livery last week it was all brown inside kinda 'Soho Chic' I was the second youngest person in the place (1st was LL) we chatted to the owners who said they moved here from London and one day asked themselves "Why isnt there a Wine Bar in Smalltown?" and so opened one up
"Haha good on you" we said to their faces, then-
"OMG they never actually researched the answer to that question did they?!" when they left. The place was empty by 10pm, all the Golf Club had gone home for cocoa. I give it 6 months tops.
We will be getting goats soon, and weirdly my husband has said he may need to stay up in town a bit more.....at least its different a kind of poo eh?

I wish someone had told me years ago what incredible comedy value chickens are. From the cluck-cluck comments to the locomotive style which can only be described as an elderly matron whose knicker elastic has broken running for the last bus, they keep us amused all day long. And they lay eggs!

They all have names out of Bohemian Rhapsody- Magnifico, Fandango,and Beelzebub (room for more,see?) and live in one of these
http://www.omlet.co.uk/products_services/products_services.php?view=Chickens

Ye Gods I had the worst night's sleep since my boys were babies. Here's how it went-
Husband away on business, no prob I am all grown up and capable (dont laugh).

8.00+ -Yard Cat and Sofa Cat spend all evening fighting in and out of the catflap, sounds like someone yodelling at high speed in a revolving door. I am having to physically restrain dogs from getting involved.

10.30-Go to bedroom with bristling dogs.

At 12.30- woken by clattering from kitchen, go down to confront burglar with wildly barking dogs in tow. In kitchen saucepans are all over floor and Sofa Cat is on worktop looking embarassed. Yard Cat is glowering from the Bean Bag of Power on top of the kitchen cupboard.

Go back to bed muttering evilly.

2.30-woken by Dog Lips(husky x) who appears to be having a dream about singing opera on a treadmill. Throw pillow at her and go back to sleep.

3.15- foxes outside having a party. Bastards.

4.45- Hot Lips (staffx)jumps on bed trembling and quaking, she is rigid with terror.I tell her to either cuddle up and go to sleep or bugger off, she shakes and sticks her nose in my face for a merry hour.

5.45- dogs have random fit of barking which catapults me out of bed. Check for intruders and go back to bed with the words 'Battersea Dogs Home' forming on my lips.

6.00- birds start tweeting. How I hate them.

6.30- sun lances into bedroom as I have no curtains yet and we face east. Hide under duvet from Speilberg-like light.

6.40- give up and get up. Notice ponies have brought down a rail to neighbours field. Wearily pull on boots.

I'M A TOWNIE GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

This has nothing to do with my reconstructed bumpkin status but I read here someone's story of buying a meal for two homeless types that everyone was recoiling from (apologies to whoever it was here it is a great story) and it reminded me of something that happened just before I left London.

I was in the main Post Office addressing some envelopes etc at the side counter and became aware of a kerfuffle by the door, paid it no mind and attempted to join the queue for cashiers. But there was something going on, a huge gap in the queue had formed with a scrum of people jostling at the far end of it. Then I noticed a smell....
Two tramp women had come into the Post Office, joined the queue in an orderly way and were politely waiting their turn. The younger woman had hair hanging down her back in a single mat and was wearing unspeakably filthy clothes. She had white high heels on which were turning over and looked 2 sizes too small. She was with a very old lady, equally filthy and poorly dressed, life and age had bent her double so she resembled the letter C, peering up with her chin on her chest. The younger woman was helping her along with great patience and kindness, talking to her gently. These women stank, it was like walking into a wall when it hit you,I have never ever smelt anything like it in my life.
And the point of this story?
I had my breath taken away once by the two women but a second deeper time by the behaviour of the adults all around me. They gasped, flapped their hands in front of their faces, held their noses for God's sake, it was like being in a nursery class when someone farts. The staff behind the counter joined in, then remarks ("Jesus what a stink", "Why don't those cows have a wash?","I'm going to be sick") started which got louder and louder as if these unfortunate women were deaf or retarded instead of destitute.
I have never been so horrified by the behaviour of my fellow man in my life. I wasnt exactly enjoying the aroma and I'm pretty sure my nose is as sensitive as the next person but acting like a child sure wasnt going to make any difference to the smell and was causing these women great offence.
Just when I thought I couldnt be any more appauled, a member of staff came out from behind the counter and sprayed the old lady with air freshener, and the mob laughed. They did their business at a counter (the cashiers fought not to be the one to serve them) and left.
I got to the counter furious and almost tearful. The post office clerk shook her head, blew her cheeks out and said "That was bloody disgusting wasnt it?"
"Yes," I said " it really was."

Lady came looking for livery the other day, frankly after a while she started p*ssing me off, mainly because she brought her giant slavering hound onto my yard totally uninvited, then let it off the lead. After 15 mins of her drivelling on about 'things were different in her day' she asked me if there were any 'funny rules' at my yard. "Yes" I deadpanned, "on fridays we have Naked Day".
She drove off at high speed and hasn't called back.

A quick note- I am off to London later on the train to see The Tempest at the Novello with sister-in-law. Will inhale as much culture and pollution as possible. It has stopped raining so I must away and make the most of it.

Nowhere exciting -loads of visitors (city folk mocking our lack of continental bakeries mainly)one friend had to be given strong drink to put paid to her hysteria at the 3ft drop from the repulsive patio doors to the 'sun room'(dont retch).This house is such a lemon, all additions since 16thC designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson.
It hasnt stopped raining since the snow melted, paddocks like the Somme and the rain leaks in through most of the walls, if the TV gets boring we watch the damp rise and throw bread to the trout in the skirting board (the mice all drowned).
A chance conversation at a local horsey shop has brought me 2 young ladies and their 5 neds on livery, should be a laugh and I'm sure good for me to have folk in and out of the place so I dont go weird (see previous posting)have bought champagne and cake to share.

Another day another pile of poo... as I trudged up the field with a brimming wheelbarrow it occurred to me how much the damn stuff weighs it also occurred to me that two creatures originally bred as beasts of burden where watching my toil with distracted amusement munching hay. Surely something wrong with this picture.
Felled Leylandii finally out of the mare's paddock, we are saving up for a woodchipper I look forward to watching their repulsive branches being slowly devoured :> can anyone think of a good reason to grow these bastards?
Went bazzing round the cross-country course with Elder Son. Very therapeutic.

Sung to the tune of 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt-
"It's bloody cold
It's bloody cold
It's bloody cold
Out here..."

Yeesh! It was fweezing today but the neds weren't bothered at all however it was definitely Hat Weather for me. Poo-picked the field in subzero temperatures how heroic am I . Defintitely need to start making a few friends in the town as I may be starting to go a bit weird- went to get the post out of the postbox naked just for a laugh Tescoman delivered today so that could have been quite awkward.
Lots of friends coming to stay at weekends half term etc but def need a few local contacts, one lady met on bridleway coming over friday which should be nice, hope I'm not talking to the water butt by then..
Nice shopping trip into Smallville today, as usual everyone chatty happy and helpful I think they may be robots have made it a mission to find someone surly and sour.